The Portal of Snot and Fire
by Zinjah
Summary: When Sasuke sneezes while performing his Gōkakyū no Jutsu, the chemical fireball opens up a portal that, for some odd reason, connects to other dimensions.


**Disclaimer**: If I owned Naruto, would it be so popular? I think not.

**Notes**: Expect some obscure plot spoilers and few updates.

* * *

"That's stupid," Chouji said though a mouthful of chips. "Just because you're one of his fangirls doesn't mean-"

"What would you know!?" Ino said indignantly. "It's not like you're an expert on this sort of thing!"

Asuma sighed. "Ino, none of us really know for sure what made that..." He paused for a moment, searching for the right word. "Thing. But I do know for a fact that Sasuke's snot doesn't have magical properties."

Ino pouted, her lower lip jutting out. "Could be a bloodline."

"I think we all know that's ridiculous."

She glared and folded her arms across her chest. She was losing! "Well, why don't you explain it, then?" she challenged, and lowered her voice. "Jerk."

Asuma looked caught for a moment. "Well... it's... uh..." he laughed nervously. "Er... Shikamaru, why don't you explain it for me?"

Shikamaru's right eye opened a sliver from where he had been taking a nap. "Explain what?"

"Why Sasuke's fireball created the thing."

"Thing?" Shikamaru drawled. "The Thing? Isn't he from the Fantastic Four?"

"You know what I'm talking about," Asuma threw a glare. "And that was a horrible comic book reference."

"I'm afraid I **don't** understand," drawled Shikamaru, savoring the moment. He rarely ever got a chance to beat Asuma outside of Shogi.

Asuma's glare grew more intense. "The portal!"

"What portal?" Shikamaru fought his urge to grin.

"The PURPLE THING IN THE MIDDLE OF TOWN!"

"Ohhhhhhhhh," Shikamaru said in mock surprise. "**That** portal." Asuma muttered something under his breath.

"If I had to guess..." he said slowly, Asuma still steaming in indignation. "I'd say Sasuke ate something flammable."

After a moment's pause in which Team Asuma pondered this.

"Wait a minute," Asuma accused. "Are you saying that, just because he ate something flammable, his bodily fluids turned likewise?"

Shikamaru paused. Oops. "Well, fine. If you don't like my theory, why don't you ask someone else with an IQ of 200?"

"Smartass."

Shikamaru began composing a witty retort, probably one that was to involve no less that 17 insults and numerous mentions of Asuma's untimely death by lung cancer. Halfway through, however, he decided it was too troublesome, and reclined against a nearby tree for a nap. Thus, he didn't notice the presence of a...shall we say, "Leader" with several of her...shall we say, "Minions" and her...shall we say, "Boobs."

"Well," Tsunade said calmly. "I send you three to arrest Uchiha Sasuke, and I get…"

She picked up one of the numerous empty cigarette packages that were littering the floor, and crushed it into a marble-sized cube.

"Cigarette packages? One of your teammates taking a nap?" she indicated a building to the left of Team Asuma, which just so happened to be Chouji's favorite cafe. The pleasantly plump ninja hadn't even lasted five minutes against the shop's magnetic attraction. "Another taking a **snack break**? What kind of a Hokage do you take me for?"

"Uh...a very nice one, your Godaime-ness?"

A little Asuma style flattery couldn't hurt.

"I took the liberty of sending the other Jounin out when you didn't report back. And _unlike you_, they happened to come back with something!"

"But Tsunade-sama…!" Asuma pleaded.

"And don't give me that crap about him being an Uchiha! You're a Jounin, for christsake!"

Asuma put on his most miserable face. "Yes, you're right, Godaime-sama. I am indeed a horrible ninja. What can I do to make up for this failure?"

Tsunade brightened. "Well, for one, you can cheer me on while I yell at Sasuke here." A group of Jounin appeared from nowhere, surrounded by clouds of smoke. Tsunade turned, snatched a stack of papers from Kakashi, and sat down on a chair that Kurenai had fetched for her. She scanned the papers quickly.

"So, you say you were performing an Uchiha fire jutsu," Tsunade said amiably.

Sasuke nodded, carefully avoiding the Godaime's gaze.

"And you sneezed."

Sasuke nodded again.

"And this big purply thing is a portal to another dimension," Tsunade gestured at a purple circle that seemed to be spinning. I say "seemed" because it was rather hard to tell, with all the disembodied heads emerging at random intervals, and all the screaming.

Sasuke nodded a third time, determined not to incriminate himself even further by opening his mouth..

"And why, pray tell," Tsunade said, her voice deadly quiet. "Were you performing a fire jutsu," she put on her most violent expression. "IN THE MIDDLE OF KONOHA?!"

Her shriek of anger echoed throughout the forest around Konoha, causing a large amount of birds to take off, flapping their wings at almost ridiculous speeds.

"5...18...45..." Neji muttered, his head spinning around frantically as he tried to count the birds. Tenten shushed him, and their eyes returned to whatever they were doing at that point. Which was absolutely nothing, as they had had no role in the story as of yet.

Tsunade's voice returned to the silent whisper that so characterized her frequent bouts of anger.

"Judging by the demonic chanting and the streams of blood erupting from your little portal, it opens up into hell," Tsunade leaned down to Sasuke. "You may have just paved the way for the Kyuubi's long lost cousin to come here and destroy Konoha. What are you going to do about it, brat?"

"You go, girl!" Asuma cheered loudly.

For Sasuke, that was the last straw. He was an Uchiha, god dammit, and no matter who he was up against, he wouldn't just lay down and let some gay Jounin he had never met cheer against him.

"What am I going to do about it? Certainly not anything requiring **your** help." Sasuke smirked insolently, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "After all, you're the one who chose an apprentice with no specific ninja abilities whatsoever."

"BRAT!" the Godaime roared, and Shizune had to restrain her as she as she tried to pound Sasuke into the dirt. This anger was, of course, not to defend her poor apprentice (who would probably become rediculously awesome and kick his butt in the near future) – the liquid sarcasm had dripped right off Sasuke's lips and onto the interrogation papers. The words changed before her very eyes:

* * *

**_Name_**_: Uchiha Sasuke. Of course, you already knew that - he's sitting right in front of you, idiot._

**_Age_**_: Who cares? He's an anime character, for heaven's sake! Do you think those fangirls care that he's underaged? No! They'd do dirty stuff to him all night long!_

**_Hair Color_**_/U-chi-ha hair/ is a black as coal,/ like the ver-y stuff/ of the Go-daime's soul._

**_Personality_**_: This is the stupidest interrogation paper I've ever seen._

**_Crime_**_: Is there a law against opening a portal to hell? If there is, it's probably the stupidest law I've ever heard of._

**_Pre-Interrogation Transcript_**

_Morino Ibiki__: I am an idiot. Everybody, look at my rediculously idiotic idiocy!  
Uchiha Sasuke: Ha!_

* * *

Fortunately for Sasuke, the entire crowd of ninja that had gathered to examine the portal let out a gasp of surprise just as Tsunade was about to break free from her assistant's grip. As much as Tsunade would have liked to pound Sasuke into the ground, that gasp most likely meant that something strange and possibly dangerous had just emerged from the portal. That, or Gai had challenged Kakashi to a "who has more balls" contest.

Tsunade knew it was going to happen someday. Gai's third ball was one of the only advantages he had over the copy ninja – no way he was going to let it go to waste.

So, the Godaime turned around and immediately noticed four things:

1. Kakashi was way too close to the portal to be doing anything, **anything**, unsuspicious.

2. Gai had indeed removed his pants, and was now displaying his third testicle for all to see. The crowd watched with sick fascination.

3. As a direct result of number 2, Tsunade now wanted to gouge her eyes out with a spoon.

4. The Uchiha kid was trying to attack her from behind. This made her momentarily pissed off enough to forget about gouging her eyes out.

Without even looking, she kicked backward, and was quite satisfied to hear a loud "Ouch!". Undoubtably, Sasuke was to have the imprint of Konoha style sandals on his ribs for a long time.

That being done, Tsunade turned back to Kakashi, who was peering interestedly at the portal. "Kakashi..." she said, her voice inches away from a threatening tone.

"Look at this," Kakashi pointed at the portal, oblivious to the Godaime's vocal subtleties. "The portal's not really purple. It's made up of a bunch of different colors."

"Kakashi, that's dangerous," Tsunade said weakly. "Get away from there."

"And I can see little pictures in there! It's really incredible!"

"Kakashi, you'll fall."

And, indeed, as Kakashi turned around to walk away from the portal, he tripped going into his super-cool stroll. Not because there was a pebble or something that caused him to trip. No, he tripped because, at that exact moment, he realized that he had actually given the papers to Tsunade **on time**.

So he fell into the portal, speeding by demons, grotesque faces, and flames. And, in the last moments before he reached something that looked sorta like ground, before he blacked out, he had time for one more thought.

_Well... Shit._

* * *

"Needless to say, ninja of Konoha," Tsunade said through a microphone. Incidentally, this microphone had just been directly ordered from the Village Hidden in the Machinery, so Tsunade could yell her loudest. "This isn't good. One of our best ninja is now stuck in a different dimension! We need to assemble a ninja tea-"

"Since when is Naruto one of our best ninja?" Sakura interjected.

Tsunade turned to her pupil. "What?" she said simply.

"Naruto. Why did you call him our best ninja?"

"He isn't," Tsunade scratched her head. "And I didn't."

"But you were talking about the ninja that fell into the portal..."

"What are you talking about?"

"You said that he was one of our best ninja!"

"I said nothing of the sort."

"But-"

Shizune cleared her throat and Sakura fell silent. "I believe Tsunade-sama was attempting to gouge her eyes out with a spoon when Naruto jumped in," she explained.

"We lost Naruto?" Tsunade said boredly.

"Yes, Tsunade-sama," said Shizune soothingly.

There was silence for a moment.

"YOU'VE GOT TO BE FCKING KIDDING ME!" Tsunade screamed. Every single person in Konoha flinched. "WHY DIDN'T ANYBODY TELL ME THIS BEFORE?"

Wisely, nobody interrupted her to answer.

"NARUTO'S JUST BEEN SENT THROUGH A FCKING DIMENSIONAL PORTAL! DO YOU HAVE **ANY** IDEA HOW WE'LL BE ABLE TO KEEP THIS MANGA POPULAR?"

Silence continued to reign, as villagers realized that, for the sake of their existence as manga characters, they had to get Naruto back. Whether they liked him or not.

* * *

Tsunade looked around. "So, who wants to be in the crack-teams-that-we're-going-to-send-to-keep-this-thing-in-business-and-continue-to-let-Al-Khan-suck-it-dry?"

No hands were raised.

"Well, then," the Godaime cracked her knuckles. "I guess I'll just have to **make** somebody volunteer.

Everybody raised their hands quickly.

"I choose..." Tsunade pondered for a moment. "You, and you, and you, and you, and you, and you, you, and you. And you two."

"Man, this sucks," Hinata, Anko, Genma, Shikamaru, Tenten, Sasuke, Sakura, Neji, Kiba, and Akamaru said in unison. "Why'd she have to pick me?"

Actually, as Akamaru couldn't talk, he had to be content with a little woof of displeasure. But that's beside the point.

* * *

Kakashi groaned and rolled over. He seemed to be on a bed. A very very **soft** bed. That was all the information his feeble mind could discern at the moment. What had happened to make the great Kakashi so... confused? Kakashi was never confused! He knew exactly what was going on!

So, why did it feel like he had just been hit by a ton of bricks?

A suddenly as...well, something sudden, it all came back to him. Everything. The trip, the fall, the... on time-ness. He suppressed a shudder of disgust, and quickly reached up to feel his face. Good, his mask was still on. Now, all he needed to do was get up and figure out where he was.

Easier said than done. Every time he attempted to get up, a stab of pain forced him down to the nice, soft bed. And rolling off the bed would either break a couple more bones in his body, or give him a much less comfortable resting place. Possibly both.

"Ah, so you're awake then...?" A woman's voice. It sounded almost like... no, it couldn't be... but maybe it was...?

Kakashi slid off the bed, ignoring the pain in every part of his body. He forced open his eyes, and saw his student. Sakura. Except she was a lot older. Like, not-underaged older. And her clothes... they were... skimpier, to say the least.

She leaned down to come in eye contact with Kakashi, a movement which also showed much of her previously non-existent cleavage.

"Welcome..." she said in a husky voice. "...to New Pervertia, Kakashi-sensei."

* * *

**Post-Chapter Comments: **You know, I just realized something. What color are Sakura's eyebrows? She can't be naturally pink haired... but then, what color are they?

Oh, and

Al Khan 4Kids CEO. I'm not a big fan of the English anime.


End file.
